Modern Day Samaritan Woman

Step – Mothering – The Familiar Outsider- Six ways to cope with being on the outside…

I am a step-mother !!!

(Just typing that makes me feel alien or unnatural)

Never ever in my wildest imagination did I ever expect to find myself in this position so I have no experience or even imagination to draw from.

Step – Mother….I don’t even like the word…

Whoever came up with that word? 

Step – Mother literally sounds like step (on the) mother…and sometimes that is precisely how I feel. Naturally, my own children also “Stepped on the Mother” a few times; but somehow that experience was different in that I was an “insider”, the “MOM”, so I had every right to react and deal with whatever the situation was, decisively and as I saw fit. My authority was never questioned – Not even by me.

As a Step Mother I very gradually realized that I am very much the outsider that joined a family that was not my own. This realization sort of crept up on me slowly and then it pounced and rudely smacked me hard in the face…

My home is filled with familiar furniture and ornaments that I have lovingly carried around with me for years. I should feel at home, secure and have a sense of belonging, but I find myself invariably feeling very much like a hamster rolling around in my little plastic ball…

A part of the household - but still very much isolated from the rest of the family.

Some of the things I experienced that led me to this understanding were:

Decisions and requests are made without my input or knowledge. This was one of the hardest things I had to acknowledge and face. It is perfectly natural for my step – children to approach their father with requests and desires. They have been doing so for years, all their lives in fact and although I am now married to their father I am really just his wife…not someone of relevance to them.

Discipline and planning of future goals are not in any way similar. My hubby and I differ so vastly that it’s really like the east from the west.

When hubby comes home in the evenings I have to step aside and wait my turn to say hello and share my day. Usually, this time only occurs when we are done with the usual supper routine and retreat to our bedrooms. On many an occasion I am so tired by that time that I no longer feel the need to share my day, so things of importance/interest simply pass by without being communicated.

However, I do believe that God was very instrumental in this marriage and He therefore equipped me for the challenge. My hubby and step – children are my treasures (even if I am looking at them through the plastic ball) and they therefore deserve my best. Just as my own children received my best so too will my step children. As the adult it’s up to me to overcome the obstacles and be understanding.

How to cope and press into the goal!!!!

1. The most important part is that God must be in control. . Psalm 127: 1- 2

“ If God doesn’t build the house, the builders only build shacks. If God doesn’t guard the city, the night watchman might as well nap. It’s useless to rise early and go to bed late, and work your worried fingers to the bone. Don’t you know he enjoys giving rest to those he loves?” The Message

2.  Proverbs 22:6 was my favorite verse when my children were young. I prayed it,             meditated on it and chose to believe in it. Ultimately the only thing that really matters is that I am going in the right direction and can point the way to my step children.

“Point your kids in the right direction—

    when they’re old they won’t be lost.” The Message

3. Praying always without ceasing.  There is power and comfort in prayer.

4. My step – children must know that I am available and present but I must remain consistent in values and principles. Never wavering from the values instilled by God.

5. I must love my step-children unconditionally just as I love my own.

6. I need to remember always that blood is thicker than water and although I am now a part of this new family, I am still never the less still the outsider and only time and patience will change that. 

In the meantime I am the familiar outsider…

What about you? Have you re-married or had some other life altering experience with all kinds of dreams and hopes only to find things aren’t quite as you imagined? Share how you made things better? How did you cope?

*Hugs* till next time.

Ariéte

Modern Day Samaritan Woman

Playing the Second Fiddler Gracefully

None of us like playing the second fiddle and yet invariably at one point or another in our lives we will find ourselves playing that second fiddle. It could be that we are playing second fiddle to a sibling, a friend, a child, a colleague or even a spouse. Invariably, someone will come along and be the “better” person.

Most often, they are not really better in terms of skill and ability; but in terms of favor, they just simply overshadow you and although you can do whatever that person does (possibly even better) you just don’t have the favor resting on you that that person has…and so you become the second fiddler.

This position tends to creep up on us. We don’t always notice that we are the second fiddler and will play along for some time, until it dawns on us. Usually when we realize that we are the second fiddler we react with disbelief and anger. It feels hurtful and unfair, particularly when it’s a recurring occurrence. Our sense of pride and achievement feels trampled and abused. The unfairness of it all seems to flood all reason and coherent thought from our minds. Waves of resentment flow through our beings not only towards the person who is “in favor” but also towards the person who is directing that favor.

How then are we to react when we are in that position? How must we respond? Ranting and raving, creating a fuss or even withdrawing won’t bring about the desired “favor” we are seeking.

Start with God:

The very first thing we should do is turn to God and hear His options about who we are. 

The only “favor” we should really be seeking is His.

Proverbs 1:7 “Start with God—the first step in learning is bowing down to God;
only fools thumb their noses at such wisdom and learning.” (MSG)

Don’t assume you know it all:

Don’t assume you know all there is to know about the heart of the person directing the favor or even the one receiving it.

Proverbs 3: 5 – 8 “Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health; your very bones will vibrate with life!” (MSG)

Be vigilant to your own heart & behaviour:

Don’t allow bitterness to enter you heart. Perhaps you have played second fiddle for years and have grown hard and resentful about it and the people involved. It’s so easy to close off the heart when you are forced to play the second fiddle; particularly when it’s repetitive.

Proverbs 4: 23 – 27 “Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts.
Don’t talk out of both sides of your mouth; avoid careless banter, white lies, and gossip. Keep your eyes straight ahead; ignore all sideshow distractions. Watch your step, and the road will stretch out smooth before you. Look neither right nor left; leave evil in the dust.”(MSG)

Be cautious to check how you treat other people. 

Make sure that someone else does not feel like the second fiddler because of your unfair behavior or favor.

Remember that there were several well know characters in the bible and in history that also played the second fiddle: A lot of good in this world may never have been accomplished without the person willing to be an excellent “Second Fiddler”. The same may be true of you, right now in that position.

Sometimes we just need to obtain an attitude of being the very best “second fiddler” that we can be. God can turn all things to the good.

Have you ever found yourself to be the second fiddler? Maybe you are playing that role right now? How does it make you feel? Have you ever done the same to someone else? And if you were the best second fiddler there was, how did God use it for good.

*Hugs* till next time.

Ariéte