Modern
Day Samaritan Woman
Sticks
& Stones will break my Bones,
but words will never harm me!!!!.
Resolving
conflicts in the wrong way!!!
This blog post is specially for all the Step Moms, Dads and
Step Children.
It is a very sensitive blog for reasons that will become obvious
as you read, but I am going to address this matter, as I believe it’s necessary
to be transparent (especially when you want to find and provide assistance from and to other people) without stepping on
toes and hurting feelings any more than is necessary.
During the past two weeks I experienced the total breakdown
of my relationships with all of my step children and watched as my daughter’s relationship
with her step father also fragmented. These fragile relationships, like prized,
incomparable, brand new shiny vases shattered into tiny fragments of broken
glass, cutting deep, as they splintered, cracked and unexpectedly exploded.
I have since tried to gather all the broken pieces
together, but it almost seems like a pointless exercise, because I know that even
as I trace and match and size the pieces they will never fit back together in
exactly the same way again. Some pieces crumbled into a fine powder, too small
to pick up and other pieces are probably lost altogether, which will form tiny
holes and cracks in the repaired vases.
It all started on a normal day…Don’t all
conflicts???
Unexpectedly my husband and I had a disagreement on
an issue and instead of calmly reaching out to one another to resolve the
matter amicably, the rift widened quickly between us and walls came up. Before we fully comprehended the situation the
battle lines were drawn in the sand, with each of us taking our stand.
Naturally the children pledged allegiance to their father… blood is thicker
than water. I wasn’t surprised by this at all. It was expected. Mine would naturally
have supported me had they lived with me and been present at the time.
As one day bled painfully into another, the stand-off
continued. (Yes!!! Before you ask me…I
have heard and even quoted the expression “Don’t let the sun set on your anger!”
but I have also discovered that, that is far easier to say than to do sometimes).
One day became two…….three…….. a week…….agonising
days of indecision, anger, incredible sadness, misdirection, as we continued
our separate routines without speaking or resolving the matter. Each waiting
for the other to make the first move…
Until, another twist in events dragged my social
media into the whole debacle.
Let me just interject here, for those who do
not know my husband. He has no interest in the internet or social media
whatsoever, (Yes, such people actually exist) has no internet accounts… not
even e-mail, so he has no idea what is posted on my social media. No!!! he does not read my blog, (except on the few
occasions when I will read something from it to him), so he had no back ground
to go on, except to believe what he had been told / shown).
Truthfully!!! At this point I could literally see
the Prized Vases literally crumble and turn to dust and powder in front of my
eyes… How had a disagreement, albeit a relatively serious one progressed this
far? The battle lines now shifted altogether. No longer was the “issue” the
issue; but hubby and I were now moved like pawns, into the position of accuser
and defender…with me having to “prove” my innocence…
How easily does the accuser of the brethren come
between people!!!
The prowling lion poised to pounce…
In the end, it took only three hours of serious,
uninterrupted, dialogue between hubby and I to resolve the original issue, as
well as, that of my social media. Just three hours in which neither of us had
to “give in”. Instead we both compromised and met one another half way…The
matter was resolved, shelved, apologies were exchanged , all was forgiven and
our relationship was restored to where it should be…
However, in the wake of the disagreement lay the other
broken relationships that now needed to be mended and as mentioned above will
probably never be quite the same as before. No rewinding, or re-playing this
one.
I know that I have to forgive even if I am never
forgiven because the onus rests on me, as the adult to provide the example…
Why is this so hard?
When God forgave me my sins so freely.
Psalm 130:3-4
“If you, God,
kept records on wrongdoings, who would stand a chance? As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit, and
that’s why you’re worshiped.” (MSG)
As I am typing I glance down and am reminded by a
quote I have displayed on my office desk that states:
“When I stand before
the throne, dressed in beauty not my own; When I see Thee as Thou art, love
Thee with unceasing heart; Then, Lord shall I fully know – not till then – how much
I owe” Anon
Grace –
immeasurable pardon
and mercy
poured on me
despite
my own despicable sin.
On that great day, will any of this matter or will
my pride prevent me from knowing that great blessing?
No!!! My hope is in our Father in heaven who is the
specialist in restored relationships and with His help I aim to pick up every
piece, glue every tiny fragmented piece together again with love, patience and
joy.
Galatians 6:1-3 “[ Nothing but the Cross ] Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical
comments for yourself. You might be needing
forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their
burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. If
you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived. MSG (Emphasis my own)
If you are a Step Mom or Step Dad, I sympathise
with you. Such a relationship is a tricky mine-field with all sorts of potential
land-mines you could unwittingly step on…We didn’t receive manuals the day we
were married and being a mother or father doesn’t automatically qualify you for
the role of Step-Parenting. Far from it…This is a step by step walk into the unknown,
with the added encumbrance of wearing the blind fold of insecurity…Meeting the
new children where they are is tricky…never knowing when to speak and when to
be quiet, when to intercede and when to back off…Perseverance, prayer and lots
of patience will be required but I do believe that it is doable.
If you are a Step Child, I also sympathise with
you. You weren’t part of the process that caused your parents to divorce in the
first place and you certainly were not part of the process when your parent (s)
remarried again and yet you are thrown into a blended family with changed rules
and new Step Siblings to adjust to. As hard as it may seem to believe most Step
Parents are not out to get you. (Yes! I know there are a few exceptions). But
for the most part your Step Parent married because they were looking for
companionship and a partner in life…You are the added blessing…just one more
child to care for and love… but they do not have handy manuals, so with your
co-operation perhaps you could both meet in the middle ground and forge new
unchartered territory together…instead of following the masses into the dreaded
“Step Family Legends of Disaster
Failures” …rather charter new courses together as a blended family and lead other Step Families
into new beginnings…
As a child I remember chanting
“Sticks and stones will break my
bones, but words will never harm me”
during playground battles…never ever realizing how
devastating words could be…
May we all learn to place a guard before our mouths…
Have you found yourself in a similar situation with
your Step – Children / Parents? How did you resolve the issues? What ways did
you find to mend broken bridges? Please share with us in the comments so that
as Step Parents and Step Children we can all find answers.
*Hugs* till next time.
Ariéte