Modern Day Samaritan Woman

Step-Mothering 

An Open Letter To All Step-Children …

I have been a step daughter since I was a child and I am now a step mother.

My biological children are also step children to their father’s wife and I believe this provides me with a unique perspective and I would like to address the following with all step-children everywhere.

I realise that the following is a generalization and that there are always exceptions, but the following is a result of my own personal experiences.

Sadly, with hindsight, I realized I was the type of step daughter that merely ignored my step mother. It wasn’t truly deliberate and thankfully we didn’t have any conflicts or anything dramatic; but I neglected to acknowledge that she was very good wife and companion to my father and after all these years, she is the one that kept him company, nursed his illnesses and has been at his side through thick and thin and so this open letter is in some small way a dedication to my step mom Trudy.

A truly remarkable woman… I know this is late but thank you for loving my father…

Dear Step Child,

Have you ever considered that your step mom / dad didn’t specifically seek your parent out of all the potential spouses in the world? They didn’t hunt and stalk them to enchant them and steal them from you or even take your place. (I hate to say this but you didn’t even feature at this point). They simply met, whether by chance or destiny, it doesn’t matter which. They were both lonely, fell in love and chose to remarry (at great risk) and to build a life together. No one wants to be alone, especially in old age. Not even your mother / father. Just because they did not discuss their loneliness with you does not mean they haven’t been lonely.

Your parent is still YOUR parent and always will be. Contrary to all the stereotypes, your step mom / dad does not really want to take that place of your mom / dad. Give your step mom / step dad a break…you are not going to be there to hold your mom / dads hand every single night for the rest of their lives. Given just half a chance, your step mom / step dad will be there comforting and providing companionship to your parent.  A time will come when you have your own family to nurture…Be thankful that your mom / dad does not have to live out their remaining years alone…

Being a second wife / husband is similar to driving a second hand car. (No matter how much a person cleans it, studies and maintains it, you can’t know everything that happened to the car in its history). Just the same, your step mom / dad can’t know everything that happened to your dad / mom in the past, except what he / she chose to share. Your step parent won’t know every dent, every hurt, every failure, every insecurity brought about by his / her encounters with the previous women / men that they encountered in their lives. Just as your parent and / or you won’t know every hurt and insecurity your step parents carry. Some things are too personal to be discussed with everyone. They never the less are very real. Everyone carries their own share of pain and your step parent is actually human…

However, just because your step parent does not automatically know everything in your mother / father’s history, this does not make your step parent an inferior husband or wife. (Someone to disregard or worse misuse and abuse). The role your step parent plays in the marriage is just as real as a first time spouse’s role. Most step parents / second husbands / wives take it just as seriously, with the exception that they have to be more careful than usual because they don’t want to inadvertently hurt their new wives / husbands, where they are already vulnerable.

The home that your mom / dad and step parent are building together is very real and is the foundation for their future. Remember you will eventually move on to your own marriages and lives, and build your own homes. They are not playing a game of housey - housey.

(In fact their marriage, as a whole is not a game to be exited and restarted at any point).

This is it…The real deal!!!

They are building a home and a foundation for their marriage. Their furniture, ornaments and house rules are their prerogative. Every home operates on their own particular house rules. Don’t disregard the house rules that are implemented by your step parents just because you are not accustomed to them, or because the step parent has implemented them. One day you may very well implement some of those very same house rules into your own homes…and quite rightly expect them to be respected…

Ignoring you step mother or step father is just plain rude and hurtful. Something I am guilty of and regret very much. They are fulfilling a very important role in your mom / dad’s life.

A role that you are unable to fulfil.

Your mother / father would not have remarried if this were not the case.

BUT ignoring them is the preferred option than to deliberately sabotage the relationship and creating unnecessary conflict in the already fragile marriage.

Forcing your mother / father to have to choose between you and their new husband / wife is truly spiteful and unnecessary.  Do you realize that every single conflict that you directly instigate between your mom / dad and his / her spouse causes tiny hair-line fractures and cracks in the marriage that may not be able to withstand the real pressures of life when they occur? Financial pressures, illness, unemployment and any number of other things they will face as a couple together.

Second marriages are fragile and very few withstand the pressure and problems that automatically accompany life. By adding to the pressures and creating unnecessary conflicts just because you can and just because you don’t like the idea that your parent has remarried and / or just because you feel rebellious about the changes and new rules that accompanied the new marriage… you are contributing to what may well become a divorce in your mother / fathers future. 

Do you realize that divorce hurts…and that you own mother and father will be hurt, as much as your step mom / step dad?

It is my opinion that most step parents enter the second marriage with every intention of being “good” step mothers / fathers; intending to be a positive influence in the lives of their extended blended families, however, over time, and because of constant disrespect, abuse, lies , blatant sabotage on the part of the step children, (and in some cases no backing from the biological parent) the step parent eventually simply retreats and becomes a “bad” step parent, preferring to withdraw from their step children lives than to be constantly bombarded by conflict and heartbreak.

By the time a marriage reaches this point the hair line cracks have already begun to expand and become larger cracks…everyone a vulnerability to the integrity and strength of the marriage. Do you really want to be the reason your parent has to undergo the additional pain and humiliation of starting life over again, alone???

Just saying!!! Give your step mom and dad a chance. You may be surprised…You may even notice that your own mom / dad actually laugh more, and are happier…

*Hugs* till next time.

Ariéte

A Test in Obedience – 31 Days

Head Covering / Prayer Room / Facing Giants

Day 28: REALITY / WARFARE

Click here to start at the beginning

On day 13 I shared the following with you:

“Despite what I had learnt on Day 10, this weekend turned out to be a make or break weekend and I was VERY ill – equipped and unprepared for the spiritual attack that followed. Without sharing too many very personal details, I found myself in a situation that became unbearable, and for the sake of peace, I packed up my belongings to move out of my home.  I did not make this decision easily or lightly. Little over a year ago I had stepped into my marriage fully convinced that God had given me this gift. (I am still convinced that this is the case). I have always remembered this in my prayers and have thanked God every single day for this husband that he had given to me.

My most prized Gift ever … ripped away just like that …”

Now as I have reached day 28, I can say that this situation has not particularly reached resolution, but rather a see-saw effect of hope and failure, hope and failure. My marriage seems to be just at the tip of my fingertips; but I am just too short to reach out grab it back again, without compromising so many of the things I have learnt during this challenge. It seems I have to choose, for now at any rate. (I am in no way indicating or suggesting that it’s Gods Will that my marriage breaks up. I am merely reporting things as they have occurred. I don’t even know what the end result will be.)

I also became very aware of the spiritual realm last night and I know that the enemy is fighting very hard to distract me from completing this challenge. From out of nowhere, my Christianity was questioned with taunts of “You claim to be Christian but you won’t------------------------ (Add anything hurtful into the blank)???…. Or if you were such a great Christian you would do this instead of that…...” I knew immediately, as certain as I am sitting here that the voices may have sounded familiar, but the real spirits behind the voices were the enemy, trying to make me doubt, or stop by developing a spirit of fear within. 

The following scripture has an entirely new understanding and interpretation for me.

Luke 12:51-53 “Do you suppose that I came to grant peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division…... for from now on five in one household will be divided ….three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law, step-mother and step-daughter and step – father and step-son” AMP (Red font my own addition)

I have therefore resolved to intercede ever so strongly not only for my marriage, my husband and my children / step children; but to press in deeper into this prayer challenge because despite my ignorance, things are happening. I can bear the heartache of separation with the thought that right now I am in training to be a more effective prayer warrior in order to defend not only my immediate loved ones but anyone who requests it or as I am led by Holy Spirit.

Spiritual Lesson:

My prayers have taken an amazing new direction in that they are direct, confrontational warfare on the enemy and prayer covering for protection for my loved ones. I can honestly say that my spiritual eyes have never been this focused; my mind has never been this clear and purposed. My understanding has never been this clear.

Physical Lesson:

Last night, as I was praying and interceding I was led to place my hands on the prayer cards of loved ones, as I prayed for them individually. When I did this I felt more connected to them, almost as if I had my hands on their shoulders. It was an amazing revelation to me and a wonderful inspiration to continue. My beloved head covering and I will not be parted…We have come a long way together.

Prayer:

Father God, how wonderful to be in Your care, how wonderful to know that You are indeed and awesome God Who leads us into amazing revelations and discoveries, if we would just be obedient. Thank You for every Spiritual Blessing received at Your Hand…

In Jesus Name we pray…Amen!!!

*Hugs* till next time.

Ariéte

Modern Day Samaritan Woman

Sticks & Stones will break my Bones, 

but words will never harm me!!!!.

Resolving conflicts in the wrong way!!!

This blog post is specially for all the Step Moms, Dads and Step Children. 

It is a very sensitive blog for reasons that will become obvious as you read, but I am going to address this matter, as I believe it’s necessary to be transparent (especially when you want to find and provide assistance  from and to other people) without stepping on toes and hurting feelings any more than is necessary.

During the past two weeks I experienced the total breakdown of my relationships with all of my step children and watched as my daughter’s relationship with her step father also fragmented. These fragile relationships, like prized, incomparable, brand new shiny vases shattered into tiny fragments of broken glass, cutting deep, as they splintered, cracked and unexpectedly exploded.

I have since tried to gather all the broken pieces together, but it almost seems like a pointless exercise, because I know that even as I trace and match and size the pieces they will never fit back together in exactly the same way again. Some pieces crumbled into a fine powder, too small to pick up and other pieces are probably lost altogether, which will form tiny holes and cracks in the repaired vases.

It all started on a normal day…Don’t all conflicts???

Unexpectedly my husband and I had a disagreement on an issue and instead of calmly reaching out to one another to resolve the matter amicably, the rift widened quickly between us and walls came up.  Before we fully comprehended the situation the battle lines were drawn in the sand, with each of us taking our stand. Naturally the children pledged allegiance to their father… blood is thicker than water. I wasn’t surprised by this at all. It was expected. Mine would naturally have supported me had they lived with me and been present at the time.

As one day bled painfully into another, the stand-off continued. (Yes!!! Before you ask me…I have heard and even quoted the expression “Don’t let the sun set on your anger!” but I have also discovered that, that is far easier to say than to do sometimes).

One day became two…….three…….. a week…….agonising days of indecision, anger, incredible sadness, misdirection, as we continued our separate routines without speaking or resolving the matter. Each waiting for the other to make the first move…

Until, another twist in events dragged my social media into the whole debacle.

 Let me just interject here, for those who do not know my husband. He has no interest in the internet or social media whatsoever, (Yes, such people actually exist) has no internet accounts… not even e-mail, so he has no idea what is posted on my social media. No!!!  he does not read my blog, (except on the few occasions when I will read something from it to him), so he had no back ground to go on, except to believe what he had been told / shown).

Truthfully!!! At this point I could literally see the Prized Vases literally crumble and turn to dust and powder in front of my eyes… How had a disagreement, albeit a relatively serious one progressed this far? The battle lines now shifted altogether. No longer was the “issue” the issue; but hubby and I were now moved like pawns, into the position of accuser and defender…with me having to “prove” my innocence…

How easily does the accuser of the brethren come between people!!!

The prowling lion poised to pounce…

In the end, it took only three hours of serious, uninterrupted, dialogue between hubby and I to resolve the original issue, as well as, that of my social media. Just three hours in which neither of us had to “give in”. Instead we both compromised and met one another half way…The matter was resolved, shelved, apologies were exchanged , all was forgiven and our relationship was restored to where it should be…

However, in the wake of the disagreement lay the other broken relationships that now needed to be mended and as mentioned above will probably never be quite the same as before. No rewinding, or re-playing this one.

I know that I have to forgive even if I am never forgiven because the onus rests on me, as the adult to provide the example…

Why is this so hard?

When God forgave me my sins so freely.

Psalm 130:3-4 “If you, God, kept records on wrongdoings, who would stand a chance? As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit, and that’s why you’re worshiped.” (MSG)

As I am typing I glance down and am reminded by a quote I have displayed on my office desk that states: 

“When I stand before the throne, dressed in beauty not my own; When I see Thee as Thou art, love Thee with unceasing heart; Then, Lord shall I fully know – not till then – how much I owe” Anon

Grace – 

immeasurable pardon 

and mercy 

poured on me despite 

my own despicable sin.

On that great day, will any of this matter or will my pride prevent me from knowing that great blessing?

No!!! My hope is in our Father in heaven who is the specialist in restored relationships and with His help I aim to pick up every piece, glue every tiny fragmented piece together again with love, patience and joy.

Galatians 6:1-3 “[ Nothing but the Cross ] Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived. MSG (Emphasis my own)

If you are a Step Mom or Step Dad, I sympathise with you. Such a relationship is a tricky mine-field with all sorts of potential land-mines you could unwittingly step on…We didn’t receive manuals the day we were married and being a mother or father doesn’t automatically qualify you for the role of Step-Parenting. Far from it…This is a step by step walk into the unknown, with the added encumbrance of wearing the blind fold of insecurity…Meeting the new children where they are is tricky…never knowing when to speak and when to be quiet, when to intercede and when to back off…Perseverance, prayer and lots of patience will be required but I do believe that it is doable.

If you are a Step Child, I also sympathise with you. You weren’t part of the process that caused your parents to divorce in the first place and you certainly were not part of the process when your parent (s) remarried again and yet you are thrown into a blended family with changed rules and new Step Siblings to adjust to. As hard as it may seem to believe most Step Parents are not out to get you. (Yes! I know there are a few exceptions). But for the most part your Step Parent married because they were looking for companionship and a partner in life…You are the added blessing…just one more child to care for and love… but they do not have handy manuals, so with your co-operation perhaps you could both meet in the middle ground and forge new unchartered territory together…instead of following the masses into the dreaded “Step Family Legends of Disaster  Failures” …rather charter new courses together as  a blended family and lead other Step Families into new beginnings…

As a child I remember chanting

“Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never harm me”

during playground battles…never ever realizing how devastating words could be…

May we all learn to place a guard before our mouths…

Have you found yourself in a similar situation with your Step – Children / Parents? How did you resolve the issues? What ways did you find to mend broken bridges? Please share with us in the comments so that as Step Parents and Step Children we can all find answers.

*Hugs* till next time.

Ariéte