Modern
Day Samaritan Woman
New
Normal/ Finding Mom / Finding Me / Spiritual Alzheimer’s?
It’s been awhile since I
have had the chance to STOP, take a breather…THINK and then randomly just let
my thoughts flow into what I call my Blog Space.
A lot has happened since I
last blogged, quite coincidentally (maybe prophetically)
about life’s twists and turns and how I manage them.
THEN BAM!!!
My life’s road took another
turn and went steeply uphill. Huge boulders, relentlessly pressing in, holding
me back, keeping me captive to a situation I didn't want to find myself in. I’m
old enough to know I have to go through circumstances to get passed them, but
there is a part of me that just wants to sit down on one of these Huge Boulders
that I find in my way and just stay there. Sometimes it’s just too hard.
Briefly:
Our mom, who suffers from
Alzheimer’s fell at home on the 15th of March 2015 and broke her
hip. While in hospital, on the 21st of April 2015, before she had
her hip replacement, she forgot why she was there and got up out of bed, fell
again and then broke her femur of the other leg. She underwent two (2)
operations and was discharged only to be rushed back to hospital with acute
bladder infection and is currently still in hospital.
There!!! It’s all down and
even as I read what I have written, it seems straight forward and manageable. Yet,
it isn't. The past four weeks have felt like an uphill climb, passing huge
boulders, that were blocking all pathways and hiding shortcuts. There has been
this constant reshuffling of priorities and things to attend to. Guilt when I
neglected my family and home and guilt when I was attending to family matters
and not visiting with mom. Guilt when I was at work and neglecting both mom and
family.
There have been times when I
have felt that I am on this runaway train and I have no option but to ride it
out. I want to shout “Stop”, “Let me out” but there is no one to hear me and so
I just ride and climb, hoping that with every passing day there will be an end
in sight. One of my favorite quotes is “This Too Shall Pass”, but this time I wonder
whether this “nameless” emotion that fills the pit of my stomach “will pass”.
You see our Mom may still be
here in body; but she is no longer here in mind. The pain and trauma of the
past four weeks have taken their toll on her mind. Her beautiful faded blue
eyes stare vacantly at us when she notices our presence, and we sadly realize
she is looking at complete strangers. Her tone of voice is flat and the words
she speaks are random gibberish. She is
more interested in the strange people passing her hospital bed and stopping at
her neighbors than in her own visitors. Very occasionally do we catch a brief glimpse
of the mom we know.
Meanwhile our family huddles together drawing
sweet comfort from one another, in the midst of our confusion. Precious family
ties that provide the platform for stability when it seems that all is coming
apart. These are the very people God chose to place in our lives, and yet its really only in moments of crises that we realize how truly valuable each person is.
I wonder whether this is
temporary or permanent.
Can this really be it???
Is this our new normal?
How
many new normal's will we have to face?
Can a life be interrupted so unceremoniously?
We have had our moments over the past
few years of clarity and the making of beautiful memories but are they enough? Where
is the Grace? How can God allow this to happen? And why? How can a person
forgetting who they are or who their children are be a good thing? Am I
destined to forget my own children sometime in the future? That thought alone
horrifies me beyond words.
(Several years ago when I
was facing yet another interruption in my life and asking God
“Why Me?” He answered very clearly and
answered my question with a question of His own “Why Not You?” What makes you think you are different, better
or even immune? Indeed Why not me?
This has often carried me through many
family crises and no doubt through this recent one also.
Finding Mom.
While looking for the good
in this, and yes I have to believe that there must be some good, some mercy,
some lesson, something beneficial to us and to other people. Mom’s new normal will
be dependence on other people for her very existence and movement. For an
independent strong willed woman this will be a huge adjustment.
However, we know that Romans
8: 26 -28 says “Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is
right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it
doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our
wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know
ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s
why we can be so sure that every detail
in our lives of love for God is worked into something good”
(The Message). Emphasis my own.
Finding Me – Do
I perhaps suffer from Spiritual Alzheimer’s?
My mom’s condition has made
me consider my own spiritual life and I wonder if I don’t sometimes have a
Spiritual Alzheimer’s. I can write all kinds of wonderful things here but in
truth and with all my busy-ness, while wading through the unknown waters of a
second marriage with step children, my job, chores, meeting responsibilities, and the newest turn of events, I have simply
not stopped to make time for that which matters the most to my soul.
- How many times has Jesus
stood in front of me and how many times have I stared blankly, sightlessly into
His beautiful eyes and missed his Heart for Me?
- How many times has He paused
to comfort and guide me and how many times has this gone unnoticed by me?
- How many times has He spoken
to me in that still small voice that I have brushed aside and ignored, choosing
rather to hear the things spoken by the strangers / busy-ness/ chores and distractions
into my life, rather than to hear Him Who has stopped beside me to keep me
company?
- How many times have I spoken
my prayers in monologue, merely mouthing the words with no real thought or
purpose, often falling asleep in the middle of my prayers? Never waiting to
hear a response.
- How many times has He
purposely brought an interruption into my life in order to get my full
attention?
What about you? Do you also have to face a
new normal? How have you coped? Have you also struggled to juggle life with new
circumstances? Are you like me barely treading water but trusting that “this
too shall pass”.
The one thing I do know for
absolute sure. Jesus is with us in this mess. He is with us in our confusion
and in our worry. He is softly speaking to us through our circumstances and
reminding us that we are not alone. Mom is not alone. He speaks to the mind and
heart and if we (mom , family & I) allow Him,
Jesus will show us the way to get to the
other side, intact and better, stronger and this “new normal” will fit just
right.
*Hugs* till next time.
Ariéte
