Modern Day Samaritan Woman

Married for a whole year!!! 

Second Marriage!!! 

Holding onto Grace in order to Thrive despite the Odds!!!

How to Love again???

So, our first Anniversary came and went…and unlike all the anniversaries that went before (previous life, previous marriage), this one was reserved, almost sacrosanct.

Instead of the whoopee!!!!  bring the champagne, this one was a quiet, reverential 

“Phew!!! We made it!!!”...

and truthfully my love, I think you will agree, this was a difficult year for both of us.

A lot of adjustments had to be made and a lot of fears had to be overcome…

Yet! here we are…one year down the line and as committed as we were when we first said I do…maybe even more so.

A lot of conflict entered our sacred space from outside sources this year, but also from our own insecurities…We both knew what we had to lose…we both knew how easily the enemy came to destroy and steal the first time around. We have both experienced the heartbreak of loss and failure, so as we walked around on eggs, watched one another’s hearts and actions closely; we unconsciously prepared our own hearts for disappointment or worse ............ failure. So much so, that we were surprised when this first anniversary arrived…without disaster.

Second marriages, for whatever reasons are just not the same as the first, not even close. When I was married the first time, I was truly oblivious of what was to follow. I now understand the term “Ignorance is Bliss”…Despite numerous resources at my disposal, I still had the conviction that “love conquers all” and the “forever meant forever”, no matter what.

 There is nothing wrong with these convictions and I would still truly love to believe in the infallibility of love, but with my new perspective, I know that this is not always the case.

Therefore, in my opinion second marriages are much harder work than first marriages. For a start both partners carry with them baggage from their past, and in our case children from our previous marriages, all of which are now part of the new arrangement. Instead of just two people joining in union, there are now numerous people and not all of them agreed to the “I do” part. Yet here they are part of the arrangement anyway.

The daily pressures of life are difficult enough at the best of times, but when you add Alzheimer’s into the mix, it just becomes more challenging.  Throw in some teenagers and lots of financial pressure and some unexpected curve balls and life becomes a roller coaster of endless stress.

How do we conquer the fear of failure? 

How do we hope for the best, while fearing the worst? 

How do we press on, when things become difficult and they do, they certainly do?

And !!!!

Grace! Exquisite Grace…

Without which we would not be able to function at all…

Grace is the first aid applied to the unachievable. 

We have to constantly be reminded of the grace of God towards us. Paul states in

2 Corinthians 2: 9 that His Grace is sufficient against any danger and enables us to bear trouble manfully… and some days we have to do just that.

2 Corinthians 12:9 “But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me! (The Message) Emphasis my own

With the Power of Christ strengthening us in our weakness and gloriously, miraculously, “pitching a tent and dwelling upon us”… 

we can dare not only to love but to thrive, 

despite all odds…

And!!!

Having received God’s Grace so freely, we need to extend it to one another daily…and in turn to all the people we encounter, especially during times of conflict, stress or irritation, because it’s then that it’s most needed.

With God’s Grace and perseverance in the tests and trials…We will be able to celebrate the second year and maybe even the next…

But for now….

Happy Anniversary my Love!!!

Have you found that your second marriage required a lot more work and effort than your first? Or perhaps you have some other challenge in your life for which you need an endless supply of Grace…Thankfully, although it undeserved, it’s always available to us….

*Hugs* till next time.

Ariéte

Modern Day Samaritan Woman

The Gift…

OF SECOND CHANCES!!!!

How beautiful and wonderful to live and serve the God of new beginnings…of second chances…and how desperately do I need these second chances…I have been given so many blessed gifts from above, but this Gift of Grace is my most used up Gift, but thankfully it’s the Gift that keeps on Giving…I will never use it all up…

Blessed Assurance!!!

Every day I start my day planning to be graceful, loving and an awesome godly woman of note, oozing with grace and mercy as I go, a total blessing to all, only to start failing immediately the minute I step out of bed…I become impatient with my loved ones and pets, as we rush to get out of the house and to work for the day.

I expect everyone to adhere to the script, be like soldiers, ready, organised, and on time and when they are not, I become impatient as the clock ticks and time moves on. 

Huge Fail!!!

The traffic doesn’t help and by the time I reach work my coffee needs a coffee…and I have already blown all of “my godliness”. 

Another Huge Fail!!!

and it isn’t even 08:00 am yet.

Life is hard and no one gets it perfectly right the first time, so how glorious and graceful and wonderful it is that I get to say to our Father in Heaven…

”Give me a Second Chance”….

And when I calculate all my second chances…all 16, 600 and counting I am thankful of this Gift…

Given freely to me every day…

Modern Day Samaritan Woman

Lessons in Grace/Mercy/Acceptance as given by Lamb Chops, Spit Braai and 101 assorted Poultry and Live Stock…

Sometimes I get weary...

No it’s more accurate to say, I basically feel weary every single day…

I don’t start out my day that way. I usually wake up refreshed, positive and ready for the day, but then as the day progresses and my brain is filled with all the conflicting messages and tensions and negativity that floods the mind and body from the headlines, the news, even my own Face Book, I end up weary because seriously this world has become a scary place to be in. It’s frightening sending my loved ones out every day, knowing they are facing the unpredictable and that there are no safe places.  

This world is literally falling apart and the evil that men can do, knows no boundaries.

So in the late afternoons when I go home, it’s with no small sigh of relief that I enter my gates…my sanctuary from the chaos … escape into my home… shed my corporate cloak and change into my own Ariete – Mommy skin and retreat for a time into my back yard to tend to the animals.

Here there are NO deadlines and NO pretensions…

It is here that I can focus on what really matters.

I think about the people struggling to survive the Earthquakes in Nepal not knowing whether their loved ones have survived or not.

I think about the women in Africa that live in mud huts, walk for four (4) hours a day just to Collecting Water a Daily Chore for their homes.

I think about the Young Girls lives Destroyed whose lives are being destroyed by ISIS.

I think about the Farmers and their families attacked.that are being butchered almost daily, often for nothing more than their mobile phones and some cash.

I think about the many “Missing men and woman.” whose photos are displayed on my Face Book daily and wonder where they are.

I think about the Children who are abused and hidden from the world, having to face their nightmare existence alone.

I think about the thousands of Young People swept up in the wave of drug abuse.

I think about the homeless, abandoned people who are invisible in plain sight.

I think about the elderly, alone and lonely and some even suffering from Unspeakable abuse by their own caregivers.

I think about the animals that suffer in cages, just because mankind has no mercy left.

AND THESE THINGS OVERWHELM ME AND LEAVE ME FEELING HELPLESS AND HOPELESS…BECAUSE I CAN'T FIX ANY OF IT...

 and 

Another day has passed and I haven’t in anyway touched even one of those lives… not even in a thought or prayer because I have been too busy with my life for the day. I secretly am ashamed to admit to myself that I am relieved that I am not in a disaster situation, not knowing where my loved ones are, that’s it’s not my loved one that is missing…that I have running water all the way into my home.

I imagine having a conversation with the unknown women in Africa who walk for miles, with heavy water cans, just to supply water daily to their homes and I wonder what they would say to me about my life. I wonder what the mother, whose baby girl, was sold by ISIS as a sex toy, would say were she to know what trivialities I fret about from day to day, in comparison to her.

During this time of reflection, prayer, admonishing myself for having my priorities all wrong, I watch my animals and notice in their actions an example of real godliness and my senses are filled and overpowered by the “Amazing Grace” of God.

Lamb Chops, my sheep does not have a single evil bone in her body and I don’t think she has many thoughts, if any, but she approaches me boldly every afternoon, bleating her welcome and fully expecting that I will have some treat in my hand for her to eat. She reminds me daily that my Shepherd is ever near, ready to provide and protect me…and yet I am not nearly as bold as she is, because I know He sees my thoughts and heart and like Adam and Eve, I want to hide. Then a soft breeze brushes across my skin and I become aware that the Grace of God is resting on me, because He knew that I would fail, so He came and saved me, despite me.

Ephesians2:8-10 

“Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.” The Message

Spit Braai, my goat, charges at me enthusiastically every time he sees me, always excited to see that I am home and pressing into my legs closely, expecting to be rubbed and loved. He has no apologies for being alive and struts his stuff among the other animals, clearly very confident that he belongs in this community. He reminds me that I too am a part of the Body of Christ and yet where is my confidence? As a member of the Body of Christ, I am His Ambassador right here and now in this very evil world. Yet, I spend my energy and time on things that will not stand the test of time. Shamefully, I cast my eyes down and see a trail of ants, working tirelessly and I am reminded that like these ants, my God neither slumbers nor sleeps and He is working in me, daily transforming me into the image of Christ. His Grace is sufficient for me.

Psalm 145:8“God is all mercy and grace— not quick to anger, is rich in love.” The Message

When I bring out the bowl of corn and feed, from the shed I am quite literally surrounded by 101 assorted chickens, ducks, geese and assorted livestock. The welcoming calls of poultry, blended with the sheep, goats, donkey’s and horse all knowing they are about to be fed are like food for my soul. As my senses absorb the sounds and smells my soul soars with delight, because these chickens and ducks and geese, remind me that despite being the most vulnerable of all they bravely get up every day, peck their way around the garden, cluck warnings at their chicks, while roosters challenge one another for territory. Yet at feeding time, all are collectively standing side by side waiting for their feed. None of them grudges the other the space or the food. I am reminded that in Gods Kingdom all are created equal and each of us has a unique niche to fill. Once again His Grace swoops in on the menagerie of beautiful soul enriching sounds to assure my soul that He is ever present.

Matthew 6:33  “If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied withgetting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met” The Message

Clasie and Eee-Or, my donkey’s arrived at my small holding wild and mistrusting. I don’t know what happened to them at their previous home and it has taken me several weeks to patiently coax them nearer to accept carrots from my hands. They remind me that my Saviour also patiently and lovingly had to coax me nearer while I obstinately watched and ignored the outstretched hand. Yet He has never gave up on me… No matter how I fail I can always turn around and see His outstretched Hand offering me and my loved ones eternity.

Deuteronomy30:19 

“I call Heaven and Earth to witness against you today: I place before you Life and Death, Blessing and Curse. Choose life so that you and your children will live. And love God, your God, listening obediently to him, firmly embracing him. Oh yes, he is life itself, a long life settled on the soil that God, your God, promised to give your ancestors, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.” The Message

Cuquinha, my miniature horse jealously and zealously guards me. According to her I belong solely to her and she doesn’t really like anyone in “our” space which is all around me, yet she reminds me that I am surrounded at all sides by the Grace and Mercy of God. He jealously and zealously guards my heart and I am His alone. His Child…His Creation… Nothing and no one can separate me from His Love, no not even me and all of my failings…

And so when I am done with my soul reflection, and spirit revival I am restored, revived and  able to step back into my house and love my people hard and well and vulnerably and completely, knowing that despite the evil and horror in the world, God is still in control. He still has the whole world in His hands. His Grace and Mercy are sure and certain for all who turn to Him and trust Him.

I can offer my people and the people I meet and work with every day the same grace and mercy that have been freely given to me. I may not have two cents to rub together but I am wealthy beyond words... because my God Lives!!!

Do you like me sometimes feel so overwhelmed by the things going on in this world that you shrink within yourself and try to avoid facing and thinking about all the evil. Sometimes I think my heart can't stand to hear or see another evil thing.  We can relax because God is in control...we can't fix anything... we can only offer our love and compassion where we are on a daily basis. Sometimes, it is enough to start with that one person in your life… We can’t save the world.

*Hugs* till next time.

Ariéte

Modern Day Samaritan Woman

Mothering my Mother, Mother’s Day, “Mothering Do ‘Over’s…”

Now that my Mother is living with me and is also a sufferer of Dementia/ Alzheimer’s and also recently had two (2) falls in which she broke both her left hip and right femur. I find myself as “Mother to my Mother”. 

This is both challenging and heart rending at the same time. I expressed in another blog that I really wanted to have a Mothering Do Over, but perhaps I wasn't specific enough, because here I find myself with a wish granted, yet not quite in the way I had imagined.

Once again with no manual, I am navigating a new concept of mothering. A new kind of normal. My mother is totally dependent on me for everything, and although she is now the “Oldest” of my children at 78, she is also the “Youngest”…Much like a two (2) year old.

She has memory lapses due to the disease and this causes her to struggle to communicate her needs clearly. Sometimes, she simply cannot remember the correct vocabulary she requires to express what she would like. Then just like any two year old she will become frustrated and irritable, because I do not understand what she needs.

1.   I have found that in trying to anticipate her needs in advance has helped to prevent some of these unpleasant tantrums.

2.    I have also built up a handy mental vocabulary list of my own and throw in a few random words, while she is trying to find a word, occasionally getting it right and preventing the frustration.

Due to her Alzheimer’s, she is also very restless and changes her mind frequently. One minute she wants to be up in her wheelchair, and in the kitchen with the family, which means helping her to get up, into her wheelchair, carting along whatever she would like to take with her. This activity alone could easily take an half an hour to accomplish. Then after we have her in the kitchen, she will change her mind and rather be back in her room watching something on telly.

1.    I have found that giving her something to do while in the kitchen usually helps her to feel more included in the activities, so I will hand her the grater and some cheese (or carrots) and bowl and ask her to grate it for me. This activity will usually take her a while and whatever is grated can easily be placed into a container in the fridge for another time, if not needed immediately.

Many a night has been spent up keeping her company because of her restlessness which keeps her awake and moody. Due to Sundowner’s Syndrome which accompanies Altzheimer’s  these nights are sometimes tense and irritable, as she is demanding but cannot articulate what is bothering her. I don’t think that she even knows. These are also particularly difficult, as I have to be up at 4am in the morning for work and cannot help counting the hours of sleep remaining that are being lost due to this condition. I cannot leave my mother alone, as like any two year old she is unpredictable, so there is no telling what she may do when unsupervised.

1.    I have found that keeping her awake (with short naps in-between) and productively active during the day assists in keeping her sense of worth intact. (Helping to fold the laundry, chop up veggies for supper, and any other age appropriate chore, that we can give her to do). Having been up and active also assists in helping her to be naturally tired when the evening comes.

2.    It also helps to be calm and patient when she seems to be restless and agitated. Having a meaningless argument that has no real purpose of focus never resolves anything. A set routine makes a huge difference as well. Because mom forgets things so quickly, it helps to have a set routine that is strictly adhered to. It became familiar to her and she felt at ease, as there are no changes and she felt that she had some control in knowing what was next.

3.    I also have a handy note book, that I keep record all kinds of things in for her. She keeps this book with her, even when she moves around the house. In it, we record all kinds of information, such as family member’s birthdays for the day, as well as any decisions or conversations we had. If she feels that she has forgotten something important she can consult her book and immediately be reminded of recent events, etc. This has also helped in keeping her calm and given her a sense of being in control.

4.    I announce at least thirty minutes before bed time that it will soon be bedtime, in order to prepare her for the change to come and try to anticipate whether she will be thirsty or peckish in that time, so that I can give her something to eat or drink beforehand.

5.    Finally, when I do help her to prepare for bedtime, I try to calmly and slowly get her tucked into her bed, remove her glasses and give her, her night time medication. 

The final thing of the day is the kiss on the forehead. That kiss seems to be like the full stop of the day, helping her to understand that it is now time to sleep. Just like my babies used to love being cuddled and kissed when being tucked in for the night, so too does my mom.

My Mothering Do Over, has happened in a way I have never anticipated and I have had to learn a lot during the past few weeks; however, I have to mention that despite all the challenges, I look for and appreciate every tiny “open window” that mom and I have together in which she is lucid and present with me…In those times I am the daughter again… and in between... I Mother my Mother….

Do you like me find yourself with a whole new normal, so different from anything you ever imagined? We never imagine that our parents will one day be dependent on us, or rather we never quite imagine how really heart rending it is until we are faced with it. How have you coped? Have you done things not mentioned here which could help us and others? Please leave your comments. It’s always helpful to know that we are not alone in difficult situations.

*Hugs* till next time.

Ariéte

Modern Day Samaritan Woman

New Normal/ Finding Mom / Finding Me / Spiritual Alzheimer’s?

It’s been awhile since I have had the chance to STOP, take a breather…THINK and then randomly just let my thoughts flow into what I call my Blog Space.

A lot has happened since I last blogged, quite coincidentally (maybe prophetically) about life’s twists and turns and how I manage them.

THEN BAM!!!

My life’s road took another turn and went steeply uphill. Huge boulders, relentlessly pressing in, holding me back, keeping me captive to a situation I didn't want to find myself in. I’m old enough to know I have to go through circumstances to get passed them, but there is a part of me that just wants to sit down on one of these Huge Boulders that I find in my way and just stay there. Sometimes it’s just too hard.

Briefly:

Our mom, who suffers from Alzheimer’s fell at home on the 15^th of March 2015 and broke her hip. While in hospital, on the 21^st of April 2015, before she had her hip replacement, she forgot why she was there and got up out of bed, fell again and then broke her femur of the other leg. She underwent two (2) operations and was discharged only to be rushed back to hospital with acute bladder infection and is currently still in hospital. 

There!!! It’s all down and even as I read what I have written, it seems straight forward and manageable. Yet, it isn't. The past four weeks have felt like an uphill climb, passing huge boulders, that were blocking all pathways and hiding shortcuts. There has been this constant reshuffling of priorities and things to attend to. Guilt when I neglected my family and home and guilt when I was attending to family matters and not visiting with mom. Guilt when I was at work and neglecting both mom and family.

There have been times when I have felt that I am on this runaway train and I have no option but to ride it out. I want to shout “Stop”, “Let me out” but there is no one to hear me and so I just ride and climb, hoping that with every passing day there will be an end in sight. One of my favorite quotes is “This Too Shall Pass”, but this time I wonder whether this “nameless” emotion that fills the pit of my stomach “will pass”.

You see our Mom may still be here in body; but she is no longer here in mind. The pain and trauma of the past four weeks have taken their toll on her mind. Her beautiful faded blue eyes stare vacantly at us when she notices our presence, and we sadly realize she is looking at complete strangers. Her tone of voice is flat and the words she speaks are random gibberish.  She is more interested in the strange people passing her hospital bed and stopping at her neighbors than in her own visitors. Very occasionally do we catch a brief glimpse of the mom we know.

Meanwhile our family huddles together drawing sweet comfort from one another, in the midst of our confusion. Precious family ties that provide the platform for stability when it seems that all is coming apart. These are the very people God chose to place in our lives, and yet its really only in moments of crises that we realize how truly valuable each person is.

I wonder whether this is temporary or permanent. 

Can this really be it??? 

Is this our new normal? 

How many new normal's will we have to face? 

Can a life be interrupted so unceremoniously?  

We have had our moments over the past few years of clarity and the making of beautiful memories but are they enough? Where is the Grace? How can God allow this to happen? And why? How can a person forgetting who they are or who their children are be a good thing? Am I destined to forget my own children sometime in the future? That thought alone horrifies me beyond words.

(Several years ago when I was facing yet another interruption in my life and asking God 

“Why Me?” He answered very clearly and answered my question with a question of His own “Why Not You?”  What makes you think you are different, better or even immune? Indeed Why not me? 

This has often carried me through many family crises and no doubt through this recent one also.

Finding Mom.

While looking for the good in this, and yes I have to believe that there must be some good, some mercy, some lesson, something beneficial to us and to other people. Mom’s new normal will be dependence on other people for her very existence and movement. For an independent strong willed woman this will be a huge adjustment.

However, we know that Romans 8: 26 -28 says ^“Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good” (The Message). Emphasis my own.

Finding Me – Do I perhaps suffer from Spiritual Alzheimer’s?

My mom’s condition has made me consider my own spiritual life and I wonder if I don’t sometimes have a Spiritual Alzheimer’s. I can write all kinds of wonderful things here but in truth and with all my busy-ness, while wading through the unknown waters of a second marriage with step children, my job, chores, meeting responsibilities, and the newest turn of events, I have simply not stopped to make time for that which matters the most to my soul.

• How many times has Jesus stood in front of me and how many times have I stared blankly, sightlessly into His beautiful eyes and missed his Heart for Me?
• How many times has He paused to comfort and guide me and how many times has this gone unnoticed by me?
• How many times has He spoken to me in that still small voice that I have brushed aside and ignored, choosing rather to hear the things spoken by the strangers / busy-ness/ chores and distractions into my life, rather than to hear Him Who has stopped beside me to keep me company?
• How many times have I spoken my prayers in monologue, merely mouthing the words with no real thought or purpose, often falling asleep in the middle of my prayers? Never waiting to hear a response.
• How many times has He purposely brought an interruption into my life in order to get my full attention?

What about you? Do you also have to face a new normal? How have you coped? Have you also struggled to juggle life with new circumstances? Are you like me barely treading water but trusting that “this too shall pass”.

The one thing I do know for absolute sure. Jesus is with us in this mess. He is with us in our confusion and in our worry. He is softly speaking to us through our circumstances and reminding us that we are not alone. Mom is not alone. He speaks to the mind and heart and if we (mom , family & I) allow Him, 

Jesus will show us the way to get to the other side, intact and better, stronger and this “new normal” will fit just right.

*Hugs* till next time.

Ariéte