Modern Day Samaritan Woman

What is a Step Mother?

This is a difficult question to answer. The internet is full of cute quotes attempting to define her… or pin her down;  but I haven’t found anything that has resonated with me as “that’s it”…”that’s me”…”I can relate to this”

Being a step mother was and remains such an alien concept to me that I never fully comprehend what it would entail and how many “land mines” I would inadvertently activate while attempting to build the foundation of my home and marriage…

I never realized at the onset how much I would have to depend on my husband to circumvent the landmines and to back me up when the hostility towards me set in…and I never once expected him to abandon me to my fate…

The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines her as

“a woman that your father marries after his marriage to or relationship with your mother has ended”

The Cambridge Dictionary defines her as

“the woman who is ​married to someone's ​father but who is not ​their ​real mother” (Emphasis my own)

Technically, the above statements are clinically correct, but they hardly describe who a step mother actually is or even closely describe the role that she is supposed to play. As the woman of the house she is automatically assigned the role of mother and expected to perform all the mother related tasks…

I can be defined as a “failed” step mother.

Does this mean that my adult step children “failed” as well?

After all a relationship requires two people…

Why is the step mother always automatically blamed for failure?

And more importantly why does she and society naturally assume that she is to blame for the break down?

I believe that when a woman gives birth, she sheds her status as free agent and steps into the skin of a mother. Once she has done this there is no stepping back to that free agent status. Her heart is now on her sleeve and she operates as a mother from then on, even in the absence of her children.

Like a caterpillar metamorphosis’s into a butterfly and can’t go back to being a caterpillar, so too does a woman transform into mother… 

I wore my mom skin for so many years that I effortlessly put on the step mother skin fully confident and believing that I would be a successful step mother. I didn’t expect my step children to do anything other than to merely respect that I have married their father and am therefore legally entitled to move into the home and make it my own.

I didn’t expect them to like me and I certainly did not expect them to automatically love me…I knew that this would have to be earned.

I intended to learn to love my new family, guard over them and nurture them just as I had my previous one.

I built my home on mutual respect and personal discipline and just as my own biological children were expected to comply to the general house rules, so too did I expect my step children to.

After all, at the age of fifty I am quite established in my housewifery. I know what works and what doesn’t. I know how to run my home efficiently, to the benefit of the entire family.

Yet, little more than a year later, I am a failed step mother…and having morphed into a step-mom skin, I simply don’t know how to morph back to just being a mom again.

Reflecting on what went wrong I have found the following things to have played a role in the break down that we as a blended family experienced.

  I, as the step mother should have defined my personal boundaries from the onset and maintained them.

   I, as the step mother should have insisted that the house rules be adhered to, 

and not been so flexible, because well…. 

“These are my step children so we are adjusting…” In bending my own house rules I inadvertently created a situation where the house rules would eventually be discarded altogether by my step children, creating undue friction between my husband and I.

 I, as the step mother should never have permitted my husband to push me into the 

role of enforcer of the rules…Being the outsider, I neither had the authority or the responsibility to enforce discipline within the home.

I, as the step mother should have commanded more respect. Being the step mother, third wife didn’t make me an inferior woman and wife. Somehow, the lines became blurred at some point and it became “ok” to treat me as inferior…

Reflecting on how things changed so drastically and what I could or should have done differently, I started to realize that the hostility I experienced prior to moving out of the home was not something I had generated from within, or even deserved. The hostility I encountered was a result of my step children’s own thoughts, feelings and animosity that were being reflected onto me, as if I were the one that had those thoughts and feelings.

I couldn’t understand why I was being accused of these things when most of the accusations were unwarranted. I had wanted to save my marriage and my relationship with my step children, so I closely guarded my own thoughts and focused on the incorrect behaviour versus breaking down the character of my step children.

With hindsight I realized that had I known that what I was experiencing were their thoughts, projected as mine, while still in the home perhaps my reaction to the hostility might have been handled differently.

Sadly, my relationship with my husband was broken as a result of this. He naturally felt the need to side with his biological children, regardless of their behaviour towards me, and I could not permit the behaviour to continue. We had reached an impasse.

Becoming a step mother was a gradual process, as I got to know the family, dated their father, visited, eventually married and moved into the home, 

BUT, the end of my step mothering was brutally abrupt.

One day I was a step mother and the next I was a childless step mother…

But, a step mother none the less…I had now morphed into the skin of step mother, I didn’t know how to morph back and with time I have come to realise that I didn’t really want to morph back.

Step mothering for me was an honour…Almost a do over, a gift from God above, after my own children had grown up and left my “nest”.

Despite the problems I encountered, I did grow to love my step children and I did have high hopes of growing our family into a successful blended family.

Like any mother and step mother, I miss my step children, I worry about them, I am concerned for their safety and their futures… I simply don’t know where the “off” switch is….

So, I turn instead to prayer and pray for my step family…

I trust my Father in Heaven to work a miracle, although I am at a loss to explain what this miracle would or should entail. In this respect I rely heavily on precious Holy Spirit in knowing the desires of my heart, that I am unable to articulate into words… and interceding on my behalf, as I intercede on their behalf…

Have you experienced a similar situation in your blended family? How did you manage the endless landmines?

 *Hugs* till next time.

Ariéte

Modern Day Samaritan Woman

Step-Mothering 

An Open Letter To All Step-Children …

I have been a step daughter since I was a child and I am now a step mother.

My biological children are also step children to their father’s wife and I believe this provides me with a unique perspective and I would like to address the following with all step-children everywhere.

I realise that the following is a generalization and that there are always exceptions, but the following is a result of my own personal experiences.

Sadly, with hindsight, I realized I was the type of step daughter that merely ignored my step mother. It wasn’t truly deliberate and thankfully we didn’t have any conflicts or anything dramatic; but I neglected to acknowledge that she was very good wife and companion to my father and after all these years, she is the one that kept him company, nursed his illnesses and has been at his side through thick and thin and so this open letter is in some small way a dedication to my step mom Trudy.

A truly remarkable woman… I know this is late but thank you for loving my father…

Dear Step Child,

Have you ever considered that your step mom / dad didn’t specifically seek your parent out of all the potential spouses in the world? They didn’t hunt and stalk them to enchant them and steal them from you or even take your place. (I hate to say this but you didn’t even feature at this point). They simply met, whether by chance or destiny, it doesn’t matter which. They were both lonely, fell in love and chose to remarry (at great risk) and to build a life together. No one wants to be alone, especially in old age. Not even your mother / father. Just because they did not discuss their loneliness with you does not mean they haven’t been lonely.

Your parent is still YOUR parent and always will be. Contrary to all the stereotypes, your step mom / dad does not really want to take that place of your mom / dad. Give your step mom / step dad a break…you are not going to be there to hold your mom / dads hand every single night for the rest of their lives. Given just half a chance, your step mom / step dad will be there comforting and providing companionship to your parent.  A time will come when you have your own family to nurture…Be thankful that your mom / dad does not have to live out their remaining years alone…

Being a second wife / husband is similar to driving a second hand car. (No matter how much a person cleans it, studies and maintains it, you can’t know everything that happened to the car in its history). Just the same, your step mom / dad can’t know everything that happened to your dad / mom in the past, except what he / she chose to share. Your step parent won’t know every dent, every hurt, every failure, every insecurity brought about by his / her encounters with the previous women / men that they encountered in their lives. Just as your parent and / or you won’t know every hurt and insecurity your step parents carry. Some things are too personal to be discussed with everyone. They never the less are very real. Everyone carries their own share of pain and your step parent is actually human…

However, just because your step parent does not automatically know everything in your mother / father’s history, this does not make your step parent an inferior husband or wife. (Someone to disregard or worse misuse and abuse). The role your step parent plays in the marriage is just as real as a first time spouse’s role. Most step parents / second husbands / wives take it just as seriously, with the exception that they have to be more careful than usual because they don’t want to inadvertently hurt their new wives / husbands, where they are already vulnerable.

The home that your mom / dad and step parent are building together is very real and is the foundation for their future. Remember you will eventually move on to your own marriages and lives, and build your own homes. They are not playing a game of housey - housey.

(In fact their marriage, as a whole is not a game to be exited and restarted at any point).

This is it…The real deal!!!

They are building a home and a foundation for their marriage. Their furniture, ornaments and house rules are their prerogative. Every home operates on their own particular house rules. Don’t disregard the house rules that are implemented by your step parents just because you are not accustomed to them, or because the step parent has implemented them. One day you may very well implement some of those very same house rules into your own homes…and quite rightly expect them to be respected…

Ignoring you step mother or step father is just plain rude and hurtful. Something I am guilty of and regret very much. They are fulfilling a very important role in your mom / dad’s life.

A role that you are unable to fulfil.

Your mother / father would not have remarried if this were not the case.

BUT ignoring them is the preferred option than to deliberately sabotage the relationship and creating unnecessary conflict in the already fragile marriage.

Forcing your mother / father to have to choose between you and their new husband / wife is truly spiteful and unnecessary.  Do you realize that every single conflict that you directly instigate between your mom / dad and his / her spouse causes tiny hair-line fractures and cracks in the marriage that may not be able to withstand the real pressures of life when they occur? Financial pressures, illness, unemployment and any number of other things they will face as a couple together.

Second marriages are fragile and very few withstand the pressure and problems that automatically accompany life. By adding to the pressures and creating unnecessary conflicts just because you can and just because you don’t like the idea that your parent has remarried and / or just because you feel rebellious about the changes and new rules that accompanied the new marriage… you are contributing to what may well become a divorce in your mother / fathers future. 

Do you realize that divorce hurts…and that you own mother and father will be hurt, as much as your step mom / step dad?

It is my opinion that most step parents enter the second marriage with every intention of being “good” step mothers / fathers; intending to be a positive influence in the lives of their extended blended families, however, over time, and because of constant disrespect, abuse, lies , blatant sabotage on the part of the step children, (and in some cases no backing from the biological parent) the step parent eventually simply retreats and becomes a “bad” step parent, preferring to withdraw from their step children lives than to be constantly bombarded by conflict and heartbreak.

By the time a marriage reaches this point the hair line cracks have already begun to expand and become larger cracks…everyone a vulnerability to the integrity and strength of the marriage. Do you really want to be the reason your parent has to undergo the additional pain and humiliation of starting life over again, alone???

Just saying!!! Give your step mom and dad a chance. You may be surprised…You may even notice that your own mom / dad actually laugh more, and are happier…

*Hugs* till next time.

Ariéte

A Test in Obedience – 31 Days

Head Covering / Prayer Room / Facing Giants

Day 28: REALITY / WARFARE

Click here to start at the beginning

On day 13 I shared the following with you:

“Despite what I had learnt on Day 10, this weekend turned out to be a make or break weekend and I was VERY ill – equipped and unprepared for the spiritual attack that followed. Without sharing too many very personal details, I found myself in a situation that became unbearable, and for the sake of peace, I packed up my belongings to move out of my home.  I did not make this decision easily or lightly. Little over a year ago I had stepped into my marriage fully convinced that God had given me this gift. (I am still convinced that this is the case). I have always remembered this in my prayers and have thanked God every single day for this husband that he had given to me.

My most prized Gift ever … ripped away just like that …”

Now as I have reached day 28, I can say that this situation has not particularly reached resolution, but rather a see-saw effect of hope and failure, hope and failure. My marriage seems to be just at the tip of my fingertips; but I am just too short to reach out grab it back again, without compromising so many of the things I have learnt during this challenge. It seems I have to choose, for now at any rate. (I am in no way indicating or suggesting that it’s Gods Will that my marriage breaks up. I am merely reporting things as they have occurred. I don’t even know what the end result will be.)

I also became very aware of the spiritual realm last night and I know that the enemy is fighting very hard to distract me from completing this challenge. From out of nowhere, my Christianity was questioned with taunts of “You claim to be Christian but you won’t------------------------ (Add anything hurtful into the blank)???…. Or if you were such a great Christian you would do this instead of that…...” I knew immediately, as certain as I am sitting here that the voices may have sounded familiar, but the real spirits behind the voices were the enemy, trying to make me doubt, or stop by developing a spirit of fear within. 

The following scripture has an entirely new understanding and interpretation for me.

Luke 12:51-53 “Do you suppose that I came to grant peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division…... for from now on five in one household will be divided ….three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law, step-mother and step-daughter and step – father and step-son” AMP (Red font my own addition)

I have therefore resolved to intercede ever so strongly not only for my marriage, my husband and my children / step children; but to press in deeper into this prayer challenge because despite my ignorance, things are happening. I can bear the heartache of separation with the thought that right now I am in training to be a more effective prayer warrior in order to defend not only my immediate loved ones but anyone who requests it or as I am led by Holy Spirit.

Spiritual Lesson:

My prayers have taken an amazing new direction in that they are direct, confrontational warfare on the enemy and prayer covering for protection for my loved ones. I can honestly say that my spiritual eyes have never been this focused; my mind has never been this clear and purposed. My understanding has never been this clear.

Physical Lesson:

Last night, as I was praying and interceding I was led to place my hands on the prayer cards of loved ones, as I prayed for them individually. When I did this I felt more connected to them, almost as if I had my hands on their shoulders. It was an amazing revelation to me and a wonderful inspiration to continue. My beloved head covering and I will not be parted…We have come a long way together.

Prayer:

Father God, how wonderful to be in Your care, how wonderful to know that You are indeed and awesome God Who leads us into amazing revelations and discoveries, if we would just be obedient. Thank You for every Spiritual Blessing received at Your Hand…

In Jesus Name we pray…Amen!!!

*Hugs* till next time.

Ariéte

Modern Day Samaritan Woman

A Test in Obedience – 31 Days

Head Covering / Prayer Room / Facing Giants

Day 11 - 13 : HOSTILITY & ENGAGEMENT

Click Here to start at the beginning

These days fell over a weekend, and as previously mentioned my weekends are filled with activities that have to be done and I have found it difficult to find the time to have a proper prayer routine over weekend. However, despite this I stuck with the challenge and continued, even though my time spent at prayer was shorter and very severely interrupted.

Despite what I had learnt on Day 10, this weekend turned out to be a make or break weekend and I was VERY ill – equipped and unprepared for the spiritual attack that followed.

Without sharing too many very personal details, I found myself in a situation that became unbearable, and for the sake of peace, I packed up my belongings to move out of my home.

I did not make this decision easily or lightly. Little over a year ago I had stepped into my marriage fully convinced that God had given me this gift. (I am still convinced that this is the case). I have always remembered this in my prayers and have thanked God every single day for this husband that he had given to me.

My most prized Gift ever … ripped away just like that …

I did not only leave my precious gift; but my horse and other animals that were just too large … all precious and special for me.

During this time, I confess that prayer was difficult …all I could ask for was the courage to do what was necessary…

Spiritual Lesson :

The battle we face daily is a very real spiritual war and there will be casualties, real losses, real pain and real sacrifices.

(Please note that I am not in any way claiming that it is Gods will that marriages break up or that I even did the right thing. The truth is I do not know what the right thing was and since I am still pressing in to find Gods will I honestly confess that I do not yet know what His Will is for my situation).

Physical Lesson:

Since I started wearing my head covering, I have started to experiment with different methods of tying the knots and tidying it up. While doing this in preparation of my prayer time, I have started to feel very regal and royal. Dressing up to spend time with my Father, the King.  As his princess I am royalty and the more I press in the more I think of 1 Peter 2:9 “But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a consecrated nation, a [special] people for God’s own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies [the wonderful deeds and virtues and perfections] of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.” (AMP)

How better to show off His marvellous light than in obedience to Him?

If this means wearing a head covering simply because he asks, then why not?

Prayer:

Father God, my God and my King, thank you that despite the storm You are unchanging and ever ready to save us and provide for us. Grant us the courage to face our challenges head on, with dignity and integrity, displaying your Kingship in all our circumstances and for Your ultimate Glory.

In Jesus Name we pray…Amen!!!

*Hugs* till next time.

Ariéte

Modern Day Samaritan Woman

Married for a whole year!!! 

Second Marriage!!! 

Holding onto Grace in order to Thrive despite the Odds!!!

How to Love again???

So, our first Anniversary came and went…and unlike all the anniversaries that went before (previous life, previous marriage), this one was reserved, almost sacrosanct.

Instead of the whoopee!!!!  bring the champagne, this one was a quiet, reverential 

“Phew!!! We made it!!!”...

and truthfully my love, I think you will agree, this was a difficult year for both of us.

A lot of adjustments had to be made and a lot of fears had to be overcome…

Yet! here we are…one year down the line and as committed as we were when we first said I do…maybe even more so.

A lot of conflict entered our sacred space from outside sources this year, but also from our own insecurities…We both knew what we had to lose…we both knew how easily the enemy came to destroy and steal the first time around. We have both experienced the heartbreak of loss and failure, so as we walked around on eggs, watched one another’s hearts and actions closely; we unconsciously prepared our own hearts for disappointment or worse ............ failure. So much so, that we were surprised when this first anniversary arrived…without disaster.

Second marriages, for whatever reasons are just not the same as the first, not even close. When I was married the first time, I was truly oblivious of what was to follow. I now understand the term “Ignorance is Bliss”…Despite numerous resources at my disposal, I still had the conviction that “love conquers all” and the “forever meant forever”, no matter what.

 There is nothing wrong with these convictions and I would still truly love to believe in the infallibility of love, but with my new perspective, I know that this is not always the case.

Therefore, in my opinion second marriages are much harder work than first marriages. For a start both partners carry with them baggage from their past, and in our case children from our previous marriages, all of which are now part of the new arrangement. Instead of just two people joining in union, there are now numerous people and not all of them agreed to the “I do” part. Yet here they are part of the arrangement anyway.

The daily pressures of life are difficult enough at the best of times, but when you add Alzheimer’s into the mix, it just becomes more challenging.  Throw in some teenagers and lots of financial pressure and some unexpected curve balls and life becomes a roller coaster of endless stress.

How do we conquer the fear of failure? 

How do we hope for the best, while fearing the worst? 

How do we press on, when things become difficult and they do, they certainly do?

And !!!!

Grace! Exquisite Grace…

Without which we would not be able to function at all…

Grace is the first aid applied to the unachievable. 

We have to constantly be reminded of the grace of God towards us. Paul states in

2 Corinthians 2: 9 that His Grace is sufficient against any danger and enables us to bear trouble manfully… and some days we have to do just that.

2 Corinthians 12:9 “But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me! (The Message) Emphasis my own

With the Power of Christ strengthening us in our weakness and gloriously, miraculously, “pitching a tent and dwelling upon us”… 

we can dare not only to love but to thrive, 

despite all odds…

And!!!

Having received God’s Grace so freely, we need to extend it to one another daily…and in turn to all the people we encounter, especially during times of conflict, stress or irritation, because it’s then that it’s most needed.

With God’s Grace and perseverance in the tests and trials…We will be able to celebrate the second year and maybe even the next…

But for now….

Happy Anniversary my Love!!!

Have you found that your second marriage required a lot more work and effort than your first? Or perhaps you have some other challenge in your life for which you need an endless supply of Grace…Thankfully, although it undeserved, it’s always available to us….

*Hugs* till next time.

Ariéte